Cockles and Deggs Champions!


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Swips and swithers my old friends! Well we have got a word banquet for you to feast on with this page. Bonjour Roger et Stevie, these two guys are the closest most of us will get to heaven. With great power comes great responsibility but boy can these two handle it! Sloppier than a pair of wet dogs.


For your pleasure only I've managed to get hold of the hottest celebrity two-some since Sonny & Cher! I organised through their people for us to have a lovely quick wicker. You know a quiet little ear bender.



That's as far as you'll push me.

Be warned folks with these to you can take them at face they are absolutely stark raving mad! We arranged to meet at the local haunt, The Tit & Swallow. You know the one don't you? It's just down the way so it is. 

We said a time of 14:00 hours and you guessed it they rolled in at 13:56!


I can't make head nor tail of these two, I really can't! There they were sat musing over the latest Private Eye and The Fortean Times. 

Anyways less of my droning and more of the banter! Lest we forget I was there to pensively pose a few pencil scratchers to these modern icons of the western world.


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From Left to Right: Roger & Stevie


Q. Ok, this one for Stevie. I've heard on an evening you like to wear a sailor suit and will only answer when addressed as 'Capt'n'? Is this true?

A. Hahaha! Where do you find this rubbish? I think it happened once but that's due to the fact I had O.D on H.P Brown Sauce. I wasn't a pretty sight! Stevie laughed his titties he literally did!

Q. What for you is a REAL eye opener? That one to Stevie?

A. Well when I wake sometimes in a morning Roger has sent his cock down to my room and it then proceeds to shower me in a glucose filled pump of carefully prepared cells and membranes. I mean that's a way to kick start the day. I've tried having cereal but it's just not the same Janahwamean?

Q. Who gets to use the bath first?

A. Stevie: Well we live pretty lavish lifestyles these days but Roger likes to use my water after I've been in. He asks me to pump a few lines in there for him. Apparently it's good for his skin!

Roger: NO No NO! Don't listen to that bastard over there! I'm gonna get you for that! No, We both have separate showers in our rooms! Making us sound gay! We'll never get on the cover of Marie Clare at this rate! (To Stevie: I'm gonna piss in your bed tonight  you bladdy cock!)

Signs of there first domestic perhaps?!

Q. Roger, Talk me through your 1996 winning Cockles and Deggs crown?

A. Well were in the final with the two Spaniards and a couple of South Africans! I mean the Spaniards are a couple of greasy bastards who couldn't win a wet fadge if it smiled and said hello! I'm also not a racist man either Crust, but a couple of those Nigerian men in my sport upset me! I had never heard of them and they were seeded 4th! I think they were there for the free food! Anyways they were all shit. Obviously they hadn't been training as hard as we had! The Spaniards had three mouthfuls and were sick and the South Africans died of Aids right there and then.

At this point of the interview I must point out myself & my internet server provider go hand in hand in out condemnation of racism. They told me not to get Roger started on race and unfortunately I did!

Q. What are you going to spend your millions on?

A. Stevie: Well I think I can speak for both of us here ( Roger was in the toilet. He's got bad guts due to too much pure Deggs last night!) We are currently working on a time machine/space ship that runs on Cockles and Deggs. It will get us to the moon and then we input our year of choice at which point we will be catapulted around the moon and hurtled towards the earth. Actually I just made that up. I'm going to buy a genie to grant me 3 wishes and then I'm going to wish for more wishes! Clever

Roger: Ooooh that was a bad shit. A big bag of air with some wet crumbs. That's all it was! Sorry what was the question? Oh right I see. Ummm I'm gonna buy world peace or a world made of peas. I'm in two minds!

Q. How does it feel to be untouchable in your profession?

Roger & Stevie together: Fan-fucking-tastic!

Stevie: We could eat you under the table

Roger: I'd probably eat your balls off!


Q. Stevie, Tell me aboot your glasses

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A. Stevie: Well I was shopping in Barrington Belgrave recently and I saw these glasses in Spec Savers...plug for them there! I mean I'd been reading NME recently and in the section where they tell me what I should listen to was a subheading called.....

'What NME says you should wear'

Anyways my entire look is the new look apparently. It's a combination of Jazz fusion with a wet of Prog. rock,  a tinge of Emo (glasses) and a phat bag of Christian rock finished with Badly drawn boys eyes in the brain of the Strokes!


Q. ...And your style Roger?

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A. Roger: Fuck that shit. I am not a commercial whore. I wear clothes that suit my mood. I will not be dictated to by the fascist people who govern the rules of our meaningless society. I am who I am from who I think I should be. I'm not a creation of societies wrong doings over the years all pooled together to make a new/old style. Fuck off just fuck off! I'm sorry you have pushed me too fucking far Crust. I mean what kind of fucking idiot asks me that. You bastard! I ought to tan your fucking arse.....I've had enough I'm off

Roger leaves the interview

Stevie: Sorry about that. He's a little highly strung. His African father is coming over to visit for the first time since he left his Chinese mother 15 years ago.

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Prof. Brian Nigbata (Roger's dad on the right)

He's just nervous! Before I chase after him could I ask you to plug our new range of clothes;

Roger & Stevie's clothing range!

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'Basically we've got together with Topman and created this look. They are hot pants for the champions amongst us. I often find if you team the Sloper Slacks with a cardigan you are a sure fire hit on campus.

At 12.99 I won't grumble!



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