Ill Page


This is a page I've made to pay tribute to those people amongst us who are ill. They are allowed to walk freely amongst us everyday. From the common cold to varicose veins passing through cancer of the face to wetting the bed. They're all here folks! Read on.





This is My new book. I wrote it on your toilet. I mean, hey it's the 21st century. The riddle that is illness is case closed. Buy it from any Hogshead. 







This man's a doctor. I mean, hey buddy he's a REAL bonafied doctor. It's been said that he has qualifications coming out of his ears. He's one of  those maverick doctors. If you give him an ill person he'll do his dammed hardest to save them. He's also black which shows I'm not a bigot. I love all fellow man. Even him.

He has a write up of himself upon his page of death. 

Known as the "black doctor of the pines," a self-taught doctor who practiced in the pinelands during the mid-1800s and one of the first to explore the healing powers of southern New Jersey plants. A man that discovers the healing qualities of plants is fine by Crust.


Our Doc has kindly catalogued a series of ill people for your reading pleasure. His only wish is that you do not skim read.



Ill  Number one in our catalogue. 

This guy is seriously ill. I mean look at his hair. He's obviously got an addiction but to what I hear you cry. Well I'd say it was an addiction to commodore 64s. They seem harmless but if you eat too many you'll shit your body mass away. Poor Marco Boogers. Now lives in a 9 berth luxury dark tan caravan as seen on Bullseye.

'My Caravan' The new book by Mr Boogers is out now. Whoever says there's no money in books is wrong!

Ill Number 2 in our catalogue.

'Don't feel sorry for me! I don't feel sorry for you!'

Well for all the budding doctors out there I thought I would throw this guy in! Jeez Louise! This fella has the worst kind of illness in the world. Unfortunately for him it's incurable. He has what is medically known as Mecidetraphonactine. Basically it breaks down to Cancer of the face. He's got it tough. He smiles through it. Behind that beautiful smile is a deadly virus ready to take this fella to the grave. Pray for him, it's all he has.

Ill  Number three in our catalogue.

Shit dude! Even the doc hasn't a cure for this chap! He's definitely a dead man walking. He probably won't last till morning. Ever wondered why your mother told you never to taste the dogs pee pipe? He's your answer.

piddledog.jpg (4126 bytes)

'Who's got the last laugh now. See you in hell'


Ill Number four in our catalogue.

This is Colin. He's been playing Darts non stop for fifty years now. One Hundred and Eighty! He's pretty ill. Our Doc didn't even wanna touch this queer. D.O.A - Thats dead on arrival sir.

Ill Number five in our catalogue

The story of Chaka Demus & Pliers is a rags to riches story. Their back catalogue includes; 

Described by one site as 'Chaka Demus and Pliers are one of Jamaica's greatest DJ / Singer combos.' I think whoever wrote this also wrote the works of Cosby. Pliers real name is actually Everton. Teased at school for his link to a football club he changed his name to a specialist tool.


These guys aren't 'great' they're Ill. Hey I'm no doctor but this is what The Black Doctor of Pines said: 

'These two are possibly the cause of Aids.'

Fucking Ill people. All bad, all bad. Think about it though, we're all dead right now. Every minute that goes past we spend a bit more of our life allowance. Cash in your soul if you have the chance. 


We're History!


Crust has a Page? Visit the main one? Oh yar!