Hey ho! Pooing eh? We all do it. Twice a day shows regular movements! This page is dedicated to the different types of poo we have during our days. In a lifetime we accumulate days spent on the throne. Why Elvis died on the bog. When I die people will still poo. Therefore this page is timeless. A timeless classic if you will. Look back in twenty years and you will still agree with this page.

Let Us Poo From Above.

Cigarette Poo

A cigarette poo can be just what the doctor ordered. Although If your doctor is recommending smoking to help you poo then he probably isn't a real doctor. Sometimes a poo can be felt on the horizons. Internally it can be felt yet outwardly nothing will appear. Crash a tab off a friend and enjoy some hot leaves. Guaranteed within 10 minutes you'll be pooing for the good, bad and ugly!

Additional Footnote

In recent research done into the topic of cigarette pooing I have discovered that this type of poo is like a prematurely born child. Some children are born into the world before their due time, this is the same with a cigarette poo. A premature child is nurtured to good health whereas the premature poo is flushed regardless. Shame really. I propose we help these defenseless poos as we would the child. Ride the cigarette poo wave and don't release until at least four hours later.

Dr Wet Legs says

Smoooooth as a baby's minge!

I don't agree with doctor wet legs diagnosis but we do live in the times of free speech. Five years ago I'd be hung for treason if I said the queen is a cunt but with freedom of speech I'm fine! I do however suspect Dr Wet Legs isn't a REAL bonafied doctor but he's cheap and argues little.

Mcdonalds Poo

A Mcdonalds poo is one of mans worst internal foes. Mcdonalds is riddled with disease and cardboard. Eating this somewhat delicious offering from the gods of fine cuisine will cause mayhem inwardly. Imagine the French civil war inside your tanks. Straight in and almost certainly straight out within the hour. This type of poo is usually helped along with our next example...

Alcohol Poo

Alcohol poo is the bodies way of raising questions about your diet. Would you ever sit at home and drink 10 pints of water? No. Its usually a runny affair with much wiping needed. This type of poo never leaves the employer with satisfied products.

Chemical Poo

A chemical poo. I don't want to know what you've been taking but by the next day there will be carnage. 'Get those toxins out' shouts the body. Usually a solid affair with a strong smell. I recommend a little spray of air freshener. Job done

Thank You Poo

A thank you poo. At least three times throughout your life you will have one of these poos. Let me paint the picture of how you receive the bodies accolade of thanks. Its been a good healthy few days in that protein, carbohydrate, fat, sugar and nutritional quotas have been met. The body has had plenty of water and the whole system is working at 90% at least. Congrats! This type of poo is your body stopping, thinking and taking the time to say thanks for the great work. This idea can also be manipulated into running a successful office environment.

'But what about those times when my bowls aren't working Cresh?' Well the answer to that is...

What kinda farts you having?

A bag of wet crumbs? This type of fart is an awkward affair. Make sure nobody is lingering outside when you execute this type of fart. It's going to be loud and unfulfilling. It may relieve excess pressure but that's about it. There will be many a little tommy squeeker let off and possibly remnants of old poo may slip into the equation. Only word of advice for this type of bathroom shenanigans is always remember to wipe

Laser farts? These evil farts are the representation of the devil himself. You will find you are not quite ready for a poo but there is a backlog of air in the pipes. This is a laser fart in action. Some farts will guide themselves around stools, not these bastards. Like a laser guided missile they burn right through the middle of the poo picking up all manner of smells as they pass. Word of advice, don't do this fart for your own pleasure, do it for a nearby friend / enemy. If no-one is around, bottle it. Don't waste a good fart. Lucozade squeezy water bottles are just the trick. Bottle it, save it and pick a friend to squirt it at.

Glamour farts? Wow these farts are my personal favourites. They take shape in many forms ranging from pretty sounding farts, little squeekers and loud farts. These farts are the supermodels of their world. They command respect and boy do they deserve it. These types of farts are perfect for recording.

Hot farts? Trouble is in town. Steer clear of these farts if you can. It will burn the outer ring and 9 times out of 10 will create a smell worth 50. These kind of farts can kill or severely burn the nostrils inner wall. If there was a war this fart would win for sure. It sneaks up on you and sometimes imitates other farts until the point of entry.

Wet farts? In essence this is the father of the bag of wet crumbs fart. Sometimes can smell but more than likely it will cause a trouser mess. Don't take this fart to a dinner party. This fart was founded in 1890 and has had a fruitful history since. Some say it impregnated a glamour fart and created the beastly hot fart. Only a rumour mind.

There is a vast catalogue of poos and farts. Some of which i've never experienced. None the less I hope this page has whetted your appetite ready for the next poo. Go crimp off some brothers, do it for me.

Flush the chain back to where I began!